I've only been awake for an hour and half, but so far, my Halloween has started off just like every other day. I took the dogs out, made lunches, and loaded the dishwasher, all by 5:55AM. Apparently, it doesn't matter that the dogs woke me up at the ass crack of dawn to go to the bathroom, because upon returning to the house, they've pooped three more times. All three of these poops occurring in less than 15 minutes after walking them. Did I mention they pooped when I took them out? Two piles in the living room and one in the dining room. Why not just take the first poop in the house, too, instead of waking me up two hours before my alarm!? Chulo is one and a half and Carmen is three months old. Obviously, Chulo is house broken, but has started regressing and following the lead of his not so well behaved little sister. I've never met dogs that poop as much as they do. It's unreal. On the upside, I was digging in my "junk bowl" for the puppy wipes - you know, that fancy glass bowl that sits upon a fancy table by the front door, meant to hold your keys for easy coming and going? Well, not mine, mine is filled with junk. It's overflowing with receipts, dog toys, business cards, and change, kind of like my purse. Anyway, as I was digging, I found a hundred dollar bill stuck in between a receipt and a dog bone. Score. It's only 6:40AM.
The land of lost receipts, money, and apparently a rat tail comb that I can now see poking out of the side. Oh well, the rest of the house is clean.
As I sit here typing, I'm also screaming up the steps for my daughter to wake up for school. She texted me from her bed at 6:27AM saying she was awake but I hear no footsteps. If she's late, it will certainly be my fault, right? Let me run upstairs - hold on. TWO MORE POOPS. Two more poops before I even got to the bottom of the staircase. I swear, I can't make this shit up. No pun intended. It has to be the little one, she's like a machine. The kid is grouchy and screaming that she is awake, with her eyes closed. Still no foot steps. I'm trying not to get irritated. We have to leave in 20 minutes and she will be rushing around blaming me. Mom life.
From the outside looking in, most people will (and do) think my life is so put together. It's not. I mean, in a sense it is - my house is always spotless, I have a planner (multiple actually, because lets be honest, I only buy them for the cute design on the front, who ACTUALLY uses them?), my kid is always taken care of, groceries are always bought, dinner is made every night, and I manage to run a business and maintain a career - key word, manage. BUT, who wants to get real right now?! Am I taken care of? No. I think most moms would agree and feel the same way. At the end of a long day, after we've taken care of everyone else, who takes care of us? We do. We take care of ourselves. Along my journey, I have learned that when we are sick, tired, lonely, angry, or struggling, it is ourselves who care for us. It's sad, isn't it? We put everyone's needs ahead of our own and when the time comes, which is a rare occurrence, for us to be in need of care, there usually isn't anyone there. I often wonder how our partners and children think that everything in their life just magically gets done. Moms and wives. Thats how.
During the beginning stages of my breakup (because lets face it, it was a rollercoaster full of unexpected twists, turns, and major plunges) with my daughter's father, a friend of mine gave me some very wise advice. She said, "Angel, no matter what happens going forward, always keep your nails and toes done, and ALWAYS shave your legs. Everything else is going to fall apart, you can't let yourself fall apart, too." Boy, was she right. For the most part, I took her advice. Two years later and I wish I could say I was still holding up my end of that bargain. I am a hair stylist and own a salon. It's my JOB to look good. It's my JOB to always be on, always be happy, and always be smiling. So, Wednesday through Saturday when I'm working in the salon, I have no other option than to do my hair and makeup, slap on a huge smile no matter how I'm feeling inside, and arrive put together, even if I want to roll out of bed and show up in my slippers. Currently, my finger and toe nails look like a small rodent got to them and my legs could most definitely use a reunion with a razor. I'm going to be honest, I'm exhausted. Although, I blame myself for that. As a woman, I'm a care taker. It's in my nature and my blood to do for those I love, to take care of them, to tend to their needs, and I have typically done it well past the point of being appreciated. I give the love and care that I need, even without reciprocity. Ladies, I think it's safe to say that I'm not alone here, right?
Like I've mentioned in my first blog, these last two years have been very difficult for me. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I've been through some shit. It's changed me. For a certain reason, the last two months have been particularly rough. ALWAYS, even at a moments notice, I make myself available for my loved ones. I stop whatever it is I'm doing, and show up whenever I'm needed. I have listened to stories of everyone else's pain and carried the weight of everyone's burdens, and sometimes it seems like no one listens to, or carries mine. I've been ignored countless times, and most recently, when I absolutely needed someone more than ever. I've had enough. My well is SO dry. I have spent way too much time being angry. A few weeks ago, I had one of my most low and out of character moments, and I knew in the midst of that chaos, that I needed a change. I need to heal myself and I need to heal with no distractions. I need to care for myself and stop expecting anyone to care for me, even if I deserve it. It's a sad realization that you won't always be cared for the same way you care for others. My healing goes much deeper than any break up. I need to heal from a good part of my life. Many things have happened to me in life that I have chosen not to deal with because "I am strong, I can move past this, I will be fine." Wrong. I'm reading a book right now called Eastern Body-Western Mind, and yesterday, I read this quote, "The strength of our ego boundaries is the result of each properly resolved developmental crisis."- John Bradshaw. So, this is where self care comes in and we all need to do more of it.
I've started getting into chakra therapy, meditation, and yoga. I'm eye rolling at the yoga, which I have DESPISED, but not for reasons you could EVER imagine. Anyway, I'm not into it for the physical benefits, thats just a bonus. I do plan on nailing a killer backbend soon though. This is a spiritual journey for me. Please, don't you start eye rolling now, too. I'm not some weird hippie. I just need to connect my body and mind. I need to become more in tune with myself, and frankly, I need to start taking care of myself. Sometimes, we are on a journey alone, and sometimes, that's exactly what we need, no matter how difficult it is to understand.
So, I'm going to wrap up today's blog post on a lighter note. After all, it's Halloween. I've asked my daughter all week if she was planning on going trick-or-treating because she doesn't have a costume and if she's going out, she'll need one. She looked at me like I had three heads, and said "No way. I'm 15 years old. We don't trick-or-treat anymore." Okay. Sounds good. We decided to stay in, give out candy, and watch scary movies. Last night, at 10PM, "We're going trick-or-treating." Well, well, well...who didn't know that was going to happen. You're on your own kid, better keep it simple. I guess I'll be on the couch watching "kind of scary" movies, because I can't watch a real horror film alone. I'll drink my wine, but only one glass, because I'll have to go pick her up from her friends house later in the evening. And of course, I'll be dreaming of the days when I used to dress her up in costumes, do her hair and makeup, and carry her extra pillow cases full of candy while she was anxiously working on filling up the next. Don't blink. They are grown up before you know it. Everyone please be safe and enjoy your holiday with your loved ones!